i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I have surprise drugs for everyone
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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