doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
