It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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