I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
