my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
