Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
