I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
