Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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