Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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