just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
