is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
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