If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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