I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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