Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
