Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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