This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize