i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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