Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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