Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
