My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
