Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
