I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
