the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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