I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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