I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
