I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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