So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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