awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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