I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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