I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
