She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize