After last night, I could never be a politician.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
