new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
