Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize