thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't deserve a penis
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
