My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
