his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
