Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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