i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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