they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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