I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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