She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
