I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
