omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
