My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
