It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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