allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
