She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
