I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
