His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
