you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
