finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
