Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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