I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize