I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize