I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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