I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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