The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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