Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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