When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
