It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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