Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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