I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
