The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
